…and no…

I’m not mad again…I’m just disappointed that some people can’t handle an honest question or discussion. They take it very hard it seams. as I said…they seam to prefer weather prognostics and ass-kissing. You have to be a very, very good friend (whatever that  might be) to earn the privilege of being able to tell them what you think….without retaliation of some kind.

You have to be in the circle of trust….That’s Hällefors! welcome!

An open book…

If I decide to live your life like an open book. Open for everybody to see,to ask,to criticise, to discuss with me. No secrets. No off the record. What do you expect in return? What do I expect in return? Open dialogue, that’s for one. I expect people to treat me as I treat them. To be as honest with me as I am with them. To be as open with me as I am with them…but that my friends, is not the way things are done around here.

I open my book , they tear it to shreds as they please and then close their own so I can’t read them.

I have a very straight forward speech and attitude ( and believe me, much less than a few years ago, I’ve learned my lessons). I ask very direct questions…and I answer very direct questions. I like straight conversations, honest conversations, but not in my wildest dream would have I thought that this could lead to the lost of a so called friend..or two of them, maybe even three if I  take the time and the energy to bother some more and really count them.

It’’s not conversations like :

-Do these jeans make my ass look fat?

It’s conversations about life, life style, life choices, life difficulties.

I should say that most of the time, I feel like everything that’s not weather or ass- kissing related is banned.

I’ve wished for a long time that I could get a little bit more superficial. Take pleasure in the weather prognostic discussion. Live and let live. Let them hang themselves. Let them go bankrupt. Let them be sick. Let them go hot on gossips. Let them bit the underdog. Let them backtalk my friends. Let them judge me. Judge you….but that’s not who I am. I’m all for integrity. For the truth. For friendship. For honesty. For the underdog. For empathy…

….but who cares…in the end, it’s still an open book for them to rip apart. Nothing more, nothing less…because you if give people freedom to get into your life, into your thoughts… you also give them freedom to judge them and condemn them…and that’s logical you might say. Yes it is. and it would have been quite OK if the large majority would treat you with acceptance and dignity. That’s where the surprise lays…the large majority don’t give a rat,s ass about acceptance and tolerance ( that’s how I try to treat my friends choices and opinions).

The large majority likes gossips…sadistic gossiping. The large majority can’t take an open discussion about diverging opinions.

They diverge behind your back.

Behind your open book. After they shred it. Just for the fun of it. Just so they can hold on a little bit harder to their own double locked books… and feel pleased about themselves.

Well, I’m not really sure I would have liked to read their book anyway…the print might just be to small for me.

My book will will still be open, but you’ll have to sign up for it.

Another simple pleasure

Simple pleasure…

…to sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and listen to the rain,the thunder and Gabriel filosofing about life…

2003 AD

I’m tired of being the cleaning lady. I’m tired of these temporary waitress jobs.

I’m going to study and get a really satisfying job…huum, maybe French teacher or translator or whatever that doesn’t imply having to haul a scouring rag all day.

So, studies it is

I’ve only been living in Sweden for three years, but what the heck! I’ll manage.

I’ll study twice as hard as anyone else.

They offer me a subsidy to study a whole year. No taxes. Perfect! I’ll study all my upper secondary education in one year.

That’s about 11 discipline or subject areas.

I’ll manage because I’m real smart. Yes sir, I am!

Oh! A Part time job is great! Thanks for the offer! Perfect!

I’ll study full time and work 4 hours a day cleaning stairs.

I’ll manage…I learn fast, so I’ll study harder…faster than anyone else.

I’ll get the Straight As also, it’s very important that I get straight As, so I can get to college.

Peter has just been in Switzerland for 2 months, in a few weeks he’ll be off to Australia and stay there for 8 weeks.

The next time he’ll stay there for 11 weeks….and the time after that, he’ll be staying for 8 weeks again.

Gabriel is 2 years…but I’ll manage.

I’ll manage.

Mom just got cancer surgery. She’s in panic. Phones and cries hysterically 2 -3 times a day.

I’ll manage.

With all this stress, I’ve put on a few pounds, because I don’t really have time to cook or exercise anymore.

So I’ll go on a diet to.

I need to exercise so I’ll go and learn orienteering…that’s only twice a week on the evenings.

Now it’s time to do my ACT ( achievement examination for college admissions). Feels like mission impossible. We are only two from Hällefors this year.

I managed! oh! It’s great! Now I can focus on getting my As.

I’ll manage.

Of course I have to clean the house, keep it warm by carrying wood into the boiler.

Take care of my garden,

Take care of Gabriel,

Keep on cleaning those stairs and even do the spring cleaning there (walls, windows and doors)…

Keep on reading, keep on cleaning, keep on my diet, keep on….just keep on.

Hum…I might not be able to study full time at college…I’ll start with a French course…

Keep on reading, keep on cleaning, keep on my diet, keep on….just keep on.

I don’t really know what’s happening, but my mind isn’t what it used to be.

I keep forgetting things.

I burst into tears for no reason.

I feel stupid most of the time, because I can French already, but I don’t seam to be able to remember all these phonetic symbols. That shouldn’t be so hard.

I can’t hear Gabriel any more.

I can’t hear anyone any more.

I can’t even listen to music any more.

I can’t focus. I loose Gabriel on a market. Have to call the police.

We find Gabriel…I loose myself.

From that day on I sit on the couch for two months. I can’t cook, I can’t read the newspaper, I can’t shower, I can’t …I just can’t do anything.

I don’t manage any more.

My brain is gone, my heart is completely numb, my family in chaos and my dreams down the drain.

This is a little story for you Linda Skugge.

I just want to remind you

That I have a Guest book and that it would be nice if someone signed it!

Jag bara älskar henne!

Jag har svårt för generaliseringar. Väldig svårt. Men jag gör ett undatag. Ett stort sådant. För den här tjejen är Pippi Långstrump i person. Jag har alltid undrat hur Pippi skulle vara om hon fanns…och nu vet jag. Hon finns, och hon heter Linda…LÄS!

Googlade “Tyson hund“. Här är den! Med Nitthalsband och allt!

“What do you say to taking chances?”

Yeah, well, this post is for YOU. Not about me, about YOU…so you wont feel so sad about what I wrote the other day.

How do you feel about taking chances? …and don’t give me the ideal answer. I want to know how you evaluate things in your life. Do you often take chances with love, career, money, sports…what ever…or do you value your safety more?

There’s no right or wrong answer. I just want to know…so answers please?

I’m taking a chance for the first time in a long time…and I can’t tell you that it feels good…I just know that it feels right.

I was thinking about…

…flying somewhere…Prag, Scotland,Norway, Montenegro, Sicily…whatever…Montenegro…did I mention Montenegro? Someone on Jaiku talked about it and I had to google and check some pictures….Wow!…So, as I was saying, I was thinking about flying away a few days…I was also thinking of visiting Stockholm and stay for a weekend next time I’m there, which should be soon, because I’m off to meet my mentor, Fredrik Welander in a few weeks. Then I was thinking of visiting my friend Helen in Gothenburg and have a girl weekend. I also want to travel up to Sundsval and lend Mymlan a shoulder, a hand, a pair of arms…she’s so heartbroken. God knows she needs it…

so I started counting…money…or the lack of it… after 6 months at home with no work and on the edge of starting my own business. No money over for a trip. None what so ever.

I guess the Freakshow will be stationed in Sikfors for quite a while …

Don’t you just love that?

Like mother, like daughter…

If there is something I remember about being a child ( and believe me there’s a lot I don’t remember, I would even say that I’ve manage to forget the most of my childhood ), well if there’s one thing I remember, as I was saying, is how I always felt like I wasn’t easy to love. I felt mostly invisible and underestimated.I went around feeling anxious and  stupid. That’s my childhood’s strongest memory. One day, someone told me that they were amazed by how fast I learned, how intelligent I was. That same year I became a straight A student ( until then I was a C student). I sometimes wonder if I had become lovelier as well if someone had told me that I was lovely…

Today,I can see how my son is waited by the door when we arrive somewhere, and how Laura has to announce her self: “I’m here!”. How everybody loves to have Gabriel around, always has, and how Laura is considered to be more like a job. How Gabriel is always welcomed, and Laura only is welcomed sometimes. How Gabriel gets hugs and kisses and Laura almost has to  ask for them…and she does. She takes a lot of place, makes a lot of noise.  Gabriel never had to struggle to get attention.

Laura demands attention. Fights for attention.

Maybe that’s what’s so difficult about her…maybe that’s what so  charming  about her.

You can’t miss her…But can you love her?

I tell my daughter that she is the loveliest girl in the whole world. Everyday. Every single day…

and the smartest to.

My lust for bloging…

…is gone…I feel shattered. This blog has been my companion this last year and it’s been serving several purposes in my life. There was a time when I was writing mostly for my self. About myself. To understand and find myself. Then came the time when you found me and all of the sudden I find myself writing about myself for YOU. To YOU. I went on explaining myself to YOU, so that YOU could understand me. That’s when this blog lost it’s meaning to me. It’s been to much about YOU. I need to get my agony out there. I need to let out my frustrations, my doubts, my anger, my joy, my happiness, my love, my hatred…Without having to explain myself. I rationalize enough in my analogue life. That’s what you don’t know about me, you see. I don’t say the things I write. They’re left unspoken. People around me often ask what I meant with these or those words, wonder who I was referring to…and I find it very uncomfortable. This is a safety valve to control my feelings and trick away insanity. Some things are not to be explained. Sometimes I can’t, sometimes I wont. Most of the times, I don’t want to. Explanations inhibit me. I don’t want to feel guilty about feeling the things I feel. I wouldn’t need this blog otherwise.

I like having you around. I don’t feel lonely anymore. Some of you I’ve got to know better and even share a lot in common. Some of you I know in real life, some I don’t. Some of you I want to know better. Who ever you are…feel free to keep reading me…

But I wont be explaining myself anymore. Not to YOU.

Hope you enjoy the Freakshow anyway….

Just let it Travel Thru.

Tripple shit!

It’s monday. Shit!

It’s pouring rain. Shit!

My first day at my vacation work: “program error” message all morning. Shit!

Be careful what you wish for…

My husband likes to complain about how much time I spend with my computer,  mostly about how much time I spend on the internet. I once asked him if he would complain as much if I spend the same amount of time cleaning or taking care of the house .We wouldn’t be spending time together anyway, I would just be busy with something considered more “wify” or traditional for a wife.

Well today, it happened. I’m expecting some visits next week and I’ve been spending all my free time cleaning and tidying around the house and the garden. I barely opened my laptop. He had to go out for a while with the kids so I could do my business. When he came home, he made tacos for dinner and I continued cleaning. Then he helped me organize the DVD shelf… at 10:45 PM he asked me:

-Don’t you have some surfing to do? …cause I would like to play on the PS3 for a little while.

-huum…if I really must…I answered.

*BIG smile on my face* as you can imagine.

A header to Fihja

Livet är en Schlager

Har börjat min vikariat som löneadministratör.

Skulle läsa en av tidslapparna från personalen och en av dem var signerat Christer Sjögren…

Hohoho! tänkte jag…kul tanke det här. …Hohoho!

Precis i samma stund som jag la lappen ifrån mig kom en farbror inne som letade efter den ansvarige på en av avdelningarna i området…då svarar svärmor:

-Ja, vänta en stund ska du få telefon nr till Linda Bengtzing…

Keeping me buzy

I clean the office and Gabriel finds a way to break the roof lamp and I get glass splitter all over the place.

I clean the livingroom and Laura pulls all our books of the shelfs.

I plant some flowers and the cat finds it amusing to digg them up.

I want to pay my bills using the internet bank and manage to block my access to it.

I want to print the papper work for my business and get first out of ink, then out of paper.

I go out and take about a hundred pictures, they’re all gone. My memory card is useless.

I invite a friend for coffee one evening and drink so much of it that I can’t sleep for the next 24 hours.

I want to blog, but nothing comes out of my tapping on the keybord…My thoughts being somewhere else.

So now you know why you haven’t heard from me…

I can’t help thinking about “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette

Today…just another day…or not.

The exitement of the day: Wait by the phone to see if the photostudio of my dreams is availabe and affordable. Barely dare to guess a price. I prefere to wait. The store

is in connection with this place. Lovely, isn’t it?

Have also been trying to solve some problems with our apartment in Portugal. Everything is delated due to the contactor having big “difficulties” in keeping his word. We had to write a formal letter and warn him about a lawsuit. So now everything seams to be in order and we get the apartment on our name on monday. Great to have this chapter closed. We’ve been waiting for a year now. Some photos later on.

Also, I’ve been thinking that many of you who don’t live here might want to know wich pictures I chosed for the exhibit. Here they are:

Do you see me mommy?

Nomads

Exposed

Under a maple

Me and my guitar I

Me and my guitar II

Urban sky

and of coures the two pictures I’m competing with Pink obsession andself-portrait

Update nr1: just got a phonecall, and NO, not everything is in order with the apartment. Arrgggg!

I think I’m going to do some cleaning aroung the house to clear my thoughts…

Update nr2: I got the store for a very nice price! Hipiieee!

I have to borrow this

from Ulrika

I think I forgot to mention…

That I’m leading the photoclub championship with this photo in first place and my selfportrait in fourth.

33 point so far…To be continued…

Out of inertia

I’ve been buzy. Very busy, but busy with things I love. That makes a whole lot of difference. Positive stress I think it’s called. You get adrenaline instead of anxiety. You look forward to the next thing instead of fearing it…I feel renewed and like I regained some control over my life and my future. So, I know you’re not happy about me not blogging freneticly like I used to, but be happy for me. I’ll find a way to blogg my brains out again. I just need to focus on some things right now. I’ll try to keep you updated, so you know what’s happening on the freakshow. Today, for instance, I’m hanging up my pictures for the Photoclubs exhibit and this morning I had a photoshoot with two police officers, for a DVD production that DG is planning. I’m telling you: Buzy but happy!